I am Nathaniel.

ughhh

I just wanna go to bed

People change.

It can be one of the greatest or worst and most frustrating thing to ever happen to us. At first I was so frustrated with you. I really couldn’t believe how you all changed.

I remember when it was us, I remember when it was what we lived for.

Of course we didn’t fully know what it meant, I still don’t fully know either… Some days are great. Some days are terrible. Some days feel so pointless that I feel like sinking away and never coming back up…

but I never stopped pursuing this. No matter how messed up I’ve become, I never once blamed it on my faith, walked out on church, walked out on the God who heals, and restores, and sanctifies. You all have seen it! And because of a group of kids that you won’t even see in a few years, or some book that some guy wrote a hundred years ago, or  not confessed sin that you refuse to deal with or let anyone convict you of, you walk away!

What difference does it make if you just seem wise in your own eyes? What good does that do?

Then I realized…

You never really had it. You weren’t even looking when you were going. You were just going through something that was never a part of you in the first place. I never understood it for a minute any better than any of you did back then… but I still pursued it. It was still in my life, no matter what; That just isn’t you. You can’t make those sacrifices if you’ve never really believed any of it. Trust me, I’ve doubted. I’ve even looked at possibilities of this not being a possibility myself.

I’ve looked for something else before. I’ve tried my very hardest to deny Him on every level too! But the thing is, I couldn’t. I literally tried and couldn’t stop fighting for this as I do now.

I was an idiot, and made stupid decisions. Most of you are so much more capable than I ever was! I’m not complaining at all(trust me) I’m just saying that very few of you have dealt with real suffering before. You’ve got it so good, You are so blessed, and what you once said was from the provision of the Lord is now from a random mechanical dance of atoms!

It is simply foolishness.

I just wish for each of you one thing. Please. Just either come back, get yourself together, get ready to love Jesus and live(I mean REALLY live) make some tough decisions, develop some habits, get in with a good church, and really pursue this, or…

really say for yourself that you don’t believe. You never believed, and you follow yourself. Period.

Each of you just really make me mad, and really bum me out sometimes… We were friends for so long. What happened? I guess people change. I’m not really as mad as I am just really, horribly, hopelessly sad. Some days get really hard, honestly knowing what you all are dealing with right now, and you don’t even know it. I beg Him that it would be me to fall instead of you. I want you guys to get this. Please, I am begging you. I love you all so much. Please make up your minds.

Know Jesus, or No Jesus.

I know this song really isn’t meant for anything related to any of this, but I feel like the choice of words really stick for some reason.

Can’t hear you now
You’ve lost your touch
You’re not the same person in front of me
So cover up your skin and bones
What are you trying so hard not to be
Everything that you wrote, I already read
You plagiarized
Everything that you said was all rehearsed
I know your lines

The damage is done
I saw for myself
If I didn’t know any better
I’d swear you were someone else
The damage is done
I saw for myself
If I didn’t know any better
I’d swear you were someone else

What’s left to say
Time’s running out
You’ve been discovered
It’s your swan song
So clear the air
And come outside
Have you been faking sick for so long
And all of the pills you take won’t fix a single thing
And you didn’t think what goes around comes rolling back to me
Back to me

The damage is done
I saw for myself
If I didn’t know any better
I’d swear you were someone else
The damage is done
I saw for myself
If I didn’t know any better
I’d swear you were someone else

You’ve been faking sick for so long
I can’t hear you now
You’ve lost your touch
Can’t hear you now
You’ve lost your touch

The damage is done
I saw for myself
If I didn’t know any better
I’d swear you were someone else
The damage is done
I saw for myself
If I didn’t know any better
I’d swear you were someone else

So lost… But

Lord you catch me when I’m falling… And you’ve told me who I am. I am Yours.